You are a blessing. If you struggle or if you don't.

Ever since I was 14 I have battled with depression, insomnia, and a little bit of anxiety. I'm writing about this because it has been and will be a huge part of my life. The stigma of mental illness is so difficult. not only is our brain trying to kill us, but we’re constantly worrying being perceived as dramatic or even just weak, in my opinion. (I quoted most of that last part lol)

For the past six years it was like clockwork. October would come around and I would get so down in the dumps that I could only do the basics. I rarely went to school. I couldn’t get myself to work. I would simply cut everyone off and barely leave my house. Life would just become too much that all I could do was eat and sleep. Then slowly February would come back and I would gradually lift myself up and start going to school or working again. 

That ^^ is where some people might perceive it as weak. Like “bruh u couldn’t even hold a job??? u can’t get out of bed??” I know, I know.  I don’t understand it either. The simplest things can feel impossible for no reason. On top of that, my sleep would be out of control. Like I would sleep during the day and fight crime all night like batman. Duh.  

Last year I did 7 infusions of Ketamine and have done little boosters since then. Don’t worry i’m not a druggie (lowkey love it tho) and it was fully legal you hobos. Ketamine enables brain connections to regrow and reorganize. Ketamine helps reduce friction in simple things. Helps me clean my room, do my laundry, go pick up sticks in my yard. 

I’m writing this mainly for myself. I want people to know that I struggle for 5 months out of the year. I don’t to act explain how I feel to everyone all the time. I want people to know someone can look like they’re living their best life while struggling when they’re alone. I’m not trying to brag and say that I’m better now because I’m not. I haven’t found any cure. I’m currently down in the dumps most days of the week I know how it feels when u think everything is out of ur control. Like life is happening to you. I just want to say that it will pass. You are a blessing. If you struggle or if you don’t. I just love you :)